Go, Civic, GO!

Today I got my very first speeding ticket. I had no idea what a uniquely irritating experience this is until now.

My first reaction was to flee. Aaaack police! Hide! But just before my foot slammed on the gas and I went zooming off to Cortland, the good brains god gave me kicked in: Fool! You can’t hide in CORTLAND! Plus my gas tank was nearly empty. So I pulled over, wondering if there was a special way to do it that would make me seem extra-obedient.

I rolled down the window and flashed him my best good-citizen smile. Please be less than 95 ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseoh-

Officer: “You were going 86 in a 65.”

Phew!

Me: “Um, but-“

Officer: “You have something to say?”

I'm sorry, I was zoning out! I can't read the speed limit because I’m not wearing my glasses! I'm pregnant! I'm a doctor! I'm a pregnant doctor! Pleeeeeeease don’t give me a ticket!!!!

Me: “Oh, nothing. "

Officer, handing me ticket: “Here you go, you can handle this by mail.”

Me: “Thank you.” Fuck you.

I drove away disheartened. "Vroom. Vroom-vroom." Then I gave it up. It's no fun to pretend you're in NASCAR when you're only going 60.

Later on, my friend Andy scolded me:
“Why didn’t you just flash him your BOOBS?!”

Oh, yeah. Dammit.